Friday, May 7, 2021

Marriage is in the heart, not in the bedroom, by Hadiza Yuguda


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I hardly argue over marriage, but there are profound truths you would never like to hear about marriage. First off, I want you to bear in mind that you cannot have a happy family if you don’t have a happy marriage. Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply a purgatory place. Marriage can be challenging at times and it takes a lot of hard work, patience, consistency, and determination to keep a marriage strong and healthy. Marriage is simple and beautiful, that is if you want it to be. It is like a bank, you withdraw what you deposit in it. It is like a seed, you only reap what you sow.

However, marriage is a lifetime commitment, a long-life relationship or partnership. Based on my own perception, it is not lack of love, but lack of friendship and mutual understanding that makes unhappy marriages. Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other, that means we cannot do without one other. The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the bedroom. An American relationship consultant and author of several books on marriage, Barbara De Angelis, once defined marriage as, “a choice you make, not just on your wedding day, but over and over again and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.”

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I want the ladies to know that marriage is not the ultimate source of happiness. So, don’t be in a rush or desperate to get married because of any mistake you make along the line would live with you for the rest of your life. The greatest mistake a woman can make is to be desperate to settle down because that feeling would lead her into committing mistakes. I always see women making and repeating these mistakes over and over again. The no-no thing is that women should never be desperate because you are desperate to get married by fire by force. Men don’t like it when you get desperate and put them under pressure. Therefore, be yourself and let it come out naturally. It’s a saying “God’s time is the best”. When you least expected it, that is when he will ask you to marry him. You will be shocked because you were not expecting it. And that’s when you will enjoy him the most because he was not under pressure when he asked you to marry him, and he did it willingly from the bottom of his heart.

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Ladies be conscious of what your man really wants because what might be attractive to him before marriage may not be attractive to him after marriage. He might love something as your boyfriend and hate it as your husband. Don’t expect marriage to be perfect and have high expectations when going for it, that is when you become frustrated if your expectations are high and your expectations are not met. You tend to irritate your husband with your frustration and he won’t take those nonsense from you, not like before he was dating you.

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So you have to be the best version of yourself before settling down with a man. Don’t be annoyed when your husband started developing anger issues or attitudes towards you. It is human nature when you stay under the same roof to have arguments and misunderstandings, its normal and you cannot escape it, my dear.

Play it cool and be calm, all things go according to the time allotted by the Almighty. It’s never too late or early, you’re always on time. Finish your school, invest in that business, go to that contest, engage in one thing or the other and make your life productive before you get a husband.
I once told a friend that “marriage is not a bed of roses.” Expect the unexpected, perfect marriage does not exist. Don’t expect too much from your husband, so that you won’t be disappointed. Just be yourself and do what is expected of you as a wife.

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There are some things a man would tolerate from a lady while dating, but when she becomes his wife, he won’t take it from her anymore. So, she just had to put in her best behavior in his home when they are married. That is why I said don’t go into marriage with high expectations, just be yourself and put in your best behavior with love, care, romance, patience, kindness, respect. Be prayerful and also any good thing one can think of to please your man and his family.

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That is what is going to help you from achieving your goals in making your marriage work. I know probably most single ladies will not agree with me. But trust me, that is the only way to find happiness and make your marriage work and keep the fire burning with sparks.

As much as it is said, ‘marry your best friend’, yes, I agree with that. However, if you really want to enjoy your marriage, marry a man that loves you more, not the other way round. The reason is that when you marry a man that loves you more, he would be patient with you, would also tolerate you, no matter what you do he will try to cover up for you and make excuses for all the mistakes you have done and make you look good in the eyes of his family and friends and also try his best to make you happy at all times. May you all have the best husbands and wives, you are looking for and be patient with them.

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Ms Yuguda can be reached via [email protected][email protected], or on Twitter at: @HadeezahY.    

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