Marriage is an institution that thrives in harmony whereby individuals of opposite sex are joined together, irrespective of their age, complexion, tribe and race. According to Mariam Webster, marriage is the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband and wife in a consensual and contractual relationship by law. With this small insight, one can see that marriage is not something to joke with. Marriage is a profound commitment that includes great and endless blessings and it always comes with benefits.
I would like to narrow my discussion to the northern part of Nigeria. I would love to shed more light on how divorce is so rampant, especially in the north. It makes me wonder why there is a high rate of divorce in the northern part of the country. Why is divorce so common? Aren’t we ashamed of the number of northern divorcees? Is divorce part of our cultural value? Following some personal conversations and interviews, I have come to realize a few strong factors that lead to divorce in our society, and I would like to piece them together as follows.
Infidelity
Talking about infidelity, for example, most of the divorcees I come across, their pain is mostly how they caught their partners red-handed. One can’t imagine the pain and grief of having a cheating partner. It is unbearable. Where is your home training and morals? Thinking about religious perspective, no religion, Islam or Christianity, allows a married man or woman to have an affair with another person. Just as no tradition or culture permits adultery. In any serious relationship, where there are love and respect between two people, infidelity is always unacceptable.
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However, parents’ interference in their children’s matrimonial issues is a destructive way that cripples marriage psychologically. However, when two people come together under the same roof, there is bound to be common misunderstandings, which is human. Calling one’s attention and resolving issues in a diplomatic manner, is far more understandable than all the drama and debates. But most times we rather involve our parents to fight our battle for us, which is not proper.
It is advisable if you get any ill feeling or bad treatment from your partner to be patient and act in a nice and creative way. Maybe your manner of approach would help in putting the issue to bed. But to me, understanding is a key in a marriage. Marriage is beyond all imaginations of love, sex, money and beauty. Marriage is all about patience and understanding. I know of someone who always reports her husband to her father over little misunderstandings and at the end, the marriage was dissolved, which is too bad.
Ingratitude
Moreover, ingratitude is something that triggers divorce in marriage as well, which is common with nowadays. Lack of contentment is the new trend. Man comparing his wife with another woman or woman comparing her husband with another man and so on. You mustn’t drive the same car your friend is driving, or have the kind of house in a specific location of your choice, or competing with someone’s set of attire. All fingers are not equal for goodness sake. Appreciate what you have, compliment your wife’s food even if it didn’t taste as you want. Appreciate what your husband brings to the house even if it is not enough. Partners should understand each other, and appreciate each other more. A married couple should be contented, patient, grateful and faithful to each other.
I once interviewed a man, his major complaint was that his wife always attacks him on how her friend’s husband bought his wife the latest car. Another day she would complain about how her friend’s husband renovated or changed something in his wife’s parent house. Next time it would be on how her friend’s husband sponsored her trip abroad. This man told me that he had warned his wife several times to stop comparing him to another man, but she wouldn’t listen. Not that he didn’t provide, not that she lacks anything, but all because she was ungrateful. Initially, when his wife started comparing him, he was not bothered but it got to a point it started affecting him psychologically and emotionally. So he decided to divorce her to have peace of mind.
Carelessness
Carelessness is the failure to give sufficient attention to avoiding harm or errors, which is a strong factor that cripples marriage, especially in this part of the world. “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose both parents looks like carelessness”- Oscar Wilde. Carelessness or I-don’t-care attitude in marriage can come from both sides. It’s a behaviour that one adopts irrespective of the gender. Often times, especially in marriage, women’s carelessness is more destructive and detrimental. It’s not that I’m giving excuses for men to be negligent, but in terms of marriage, the woman is the one in charge of the activities of the house, that’s why she must be agile and relentless for the house to become the home. What I think attracts men at once is a neat, organized, moral, creative and composed lady. Men love and respect their women more if they are more careful, attentive and concerned. Marriages are less likely to end if both parties are more comfortable and committed to each other.
There was an incident that happened to my neighbour the other day. The man is very rich and has a beautiful house. When one sees the house from the outside, it looks beautiful, but the inside, oh my God! It’s something else. You wouldn’t want to enter the house for the second time because of the dirt on the walls, expensive provisions scattered. Everywhere is looking un-kept. I wonder what a woman would be doing at home if she can’t make the house comfortable for herself and the family. The husband couldn’t hold it any longer and had to get rid of all the dirt and the unpleasant environment by divorcing her because he couldn’t cope again. Men have their own carelessness and problems too.
Lack of Sexual Satisfaction
Nonetheless, some partners disclosed that lack of sexual satisfaction is another major issue in a marriage that leads to divorce. However, there is a slight chance that leads to infidelity and in the end, we all know the drill. Sexual dissatisfaction shouldn’t be an excuse or a lead-way to divorce if there are love and mutual understanding. I think it shouldn’t be the reason for divorce. In my own perspective, I advise that people should not get into marriage if they are not ready for the commitment. It takes a lot of sacrifices, patience and understanding for two parties to believe and come together as a union.
Don’t get into marriage because your friends are getting married. Don’t go into marriage because you feel you are getting old or you are tired of people asking you to get married. Don’t marry for beauty, for it fades away. Don’t marry for sex, for it can never mean a thing to you. But, I suggest you marry when you feel you are ready completely, emotionally, physically and psychologically, especially for men, on whose majority of the house responsibility lies. Until then, you will bear whatsoever consequences you signed in for. I pray all the single ladies and gentlemen out there to have pious spouses, and I also pray that the percentage of divorce in our society go down to zero per cent.
Ms Yuguda can be reached via hadizayuguda114@gmail.com, hadiza.yuguda@yahoo.com, or on Twitter at: @HadeezahY.
